Sure sign of female celebrity drug use? [NSFW]
In lieu of Lindsay Lohan's recent admission of drug abuse, I felt it necessary to write this piece as a public service announcement, in a way. I figure since I'm such a careful observer of celebs, as well as personally researched many forms of controlled substances, I should inform you of a somewhat disturbing trend that links Hollywood's female elite to the descent of drug addiction: nip-slips. Sure, there's always the wardrobe malfunction, often caused by today's fashion apparrel being created by dental floss and napkins. And fake boobs tend to become sentient and come up for air quite a bit. But there are certain characteristics coupled with these occasional tit-poppings that differentiate the celebs who are on 'the junk' to those that aren't.
Let's start off with Ms. Lohan's guest appearance on the Tonight Show. First off, we have the nip-slip. Then there's her overly amused laugh due to a comment made by Jay Leno, which usually tends to require high doses of THC. Of course, one might say she was feigning her delight at his comment, but I've seen her in a few movies; she's not that good of an actress. Oh yeah, and she's probably the shittiest driver in Hollywood. That's saying quite a bit, considering its rather large Asian population.
PROGNOSIS: The girl is like a drug mule without the balloons.
Then there's Tara Reid, who shocked the world during her arrival at P-Diddy's birthday party a while back by giving us all a glimpse at her mangled Franken-nipple. Let me just add that sucker was in plain view for quite some time before some buzz-killing bitch informed her she was getting more exposure than she wanted. How in the fuck do you NOT realize the temperature difference between your left and right breast? Oh yeah. Drugs. I can only imagine she stood there watching every camera around take shots of her and thinking she was the Queen's tits. When in actuality she was more like Capone's tits.
PROGNOSIS: Keith Richards would wince at this bitch's intake.
Now we have Katie Holmes. Nip-slip? Check. But she doesn't really strike me as the type of girl who you'd have to worry about breaking your Pyrex bong.
PROGNOSIS: Probably not on drugs at the time. But I imagine she's got to be on them now, in order to explain her love for Scientology and Tom "Gay" Cruise.
Finally, we have Jessica Simpson. Great tits, no brains. Sort of God's way of balancing things out. However, she doesn't strike me as the kind of girl who passes out blowjobs for rails of coke. No, there's really no need for drugs in that deal.
PROGNOSIS: Not high, just retarded.
All in all, the clearest indicator is just how much titty has come out. Lindsay Low-cut and Tara-boob both had the whole nipple exposed, whereas Katie and Jess merely showed a hint of areola.
And they say research isn't fun...
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