Hey guys/ girls, sorry about the lack of updates the last few days but I was in Vegas all last week. To make up for it expect a lot of updates today after I wake up.

Today I stumbled across some new bikini pictures of Sarah Chalke, the geeky resident doctor on the TV show Scrubs.

Check them out here.

I guess at one point in her life Janice Dickinson might have been considered really hot. However now she just looks like a used up supermodel that spent too much time in the tanning booths and getting plastic surgery. However, it is my job to report the sleaze, so here are some brand new upskirt pictures of her taken recently.

Check out the pictures here.

Remember the hot foreign girl who took her top off in the first American Pie movie? Well she’s back in the June 2007 issue of Maxim magazine, but don’t get too excited; these are a lot tamer than the Shannon Elizabeth that we are used to.

Check out a topless video of Her here from America Pie here.

Cindy Margolis recently posed for Playboy, looking hot as fuck, and here she is out promoting the issue. If you haven’t seen the Cindy Margolis Playboy pictures you definitely need to check them out, she is top notch for being a chick over 40.

Check out our other Playboy Galleries here.

Attention: Perverts and Freaks that visit The Feeding Tube

I just wanted to quickly point out that we have set the site up so that you can subscribe to our feed so every day when I make my updates a list goes straight into your email box letting you know. It’s kind of cool really, I set this up for myself to test it out and I just get an email everyday with the newest posts. It’s kind of convenient, because if you are anything like me you forget to visit your favorite sites every day. This kind of gives you a list so you know exactly what I’m featuring and then you can decide if it’s really worth the time of checking out the site.

So if you are interested in signing up, just click the link below and fill in your information. It’s 100% free and really is a good way to stay on top of what I’m posting.

Click here to Subscribe to The Feeding Tube feed!

IT'S NOT NICE TO PICK ON RETARDS.

You've never seen Malcom X like this.

We might suck at soccer, but at least our babies aren’t starving!

See our other featured T-Shirts of the day.

It’s the weekend, and it’s time to let your hair down and do whatever it is you all do after work. Me and Mr. Penis get naked and make home made waffles. Yeah it’s our weekly Friday after work tradition, and it works pretty well. We always try to see who can eat the most of them before we puke. I always win, Mr. Penis never seems to puke unless some hot chick helps him out.

But that’s neither here nor there. The reason I’m writing this is to bring your attention to the hottest site on the internet, with the hottest amateur babes on the entire internet. Yeah, I know half the internet girls are fake, but fuck it, I’ve had huge success on this site and I definitely think you should give it a try. It’s totally 100% free to join, which is the reason I’m a member, and is the best dating site I’ve ever been on before. They have a wide variety of women of all ages in just about every place on the globe, so unless your living under a rock in Russia you have a chance at getting laid.

Scary Spice is looking very scary lately. When I first saw these pictures, I thought I was looking at some pictures of a tranny. But after comparing them with some other pictures that I found, I’m almost convinced that these are not pictures of a tranny but those of Melanie Brown, A.K.A Scary Spice. If these are her however, she looks too stocky and bulky to be a woman. I guess he, I mean she, went from Spice Girl to mannish-Spice Girl faster than Michael Jackson going to freak to super freak while watching Sponge Bob Square Pants.

David Blaine is a crazy lunatic who has no business drifting away from magic and treading into the world of stunts. Every time he does a stunt he almost always comes out looking like a magician craving attention. Sure David Blaine has mad skills doing magic. In fact I think he’s one of the best magicians on the planet, and if he stays away from trying to drown himself in huge tanks of water and keeps on doing what he does best, he’ll be the best of all time.

Check out a few of these videos to see some of his magic tricks. He’s off the fucking chain.

This is the PERFECT shirt for people like Paris Hilton, or your ex-girlfriend!

Yeah, I'll admit this is off the beaten path a bit. But I saw this paid ad today explaining how a Scientology branch employee's schizophrenic son murdered her due to their staunch belief that psychology is ridiculous and therefore ignorable. Well, I guess it's easy to ignore problems when you're dead, huh? I've given Scientology plenty of shit, mostly because it was fun. Let's face it, it's a fucking religion based on a science-fiction novel; that's about an ass-hair away from being a Trekkie. It's truly one of the most RETARDED cult followings ever, and one might naturally assume anyone who believes in it is out of their gourd. But when you see results like this, don't you think maybe there's something dangerously wrong with Scientology? Yeah, yeah. The ad is propoganda, and there have been plenty of religious maxims that have gone terribly awry. But I just hope this tiny nugget of info might encourage someone to stop worshipping dead aliens, and ignoring proven medical tenets.

Lil' Kim might want to cut down on the plastic surgery, 'cuz the bitch has the whole Jackson family beat by now...

This shirt would be great if you just happen to be a gay bartender. I could just see it now, a gay bartender getting blown more than usual, I’m not sure if that is even possible.

The T-Shirt of The day is called: ABRACADABRA! Fuck, You're Still Ugly! This one would be a great shirt to wear to the bar on Friday night.

Debbie Harry, Molly Ringwald, and Lindsay Lohan are hanging out at gatherings? Wow. These are three chicks who I would have pulled one out to back in the day, but now I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Well, I guess as soon as the fourth Horseman shows up (Dakota Fanning, or Pestilence, as she is biblically noted,) we can expect the Apocolypse to begin.

Today’s Fake Celebrity Pictures of the day features Britney Spears. I thought these pictures were extremely hilarious and since Britney has been in the news a lot lately due to her pregnancy I thought it fitting that we rag on her just a bit more than normal.

Keep in mind people this section is EXTREMELY NSFW!

If you have any Fake Celeb Pictures that you want to see posted, please email them in to us here.

Today’s T-Shirt of The Day is funny to everyone except those of us who have had our identities stolen.

So I had an idea today, finally a good one for a change and I’ve decided to start doing a “Fake Celeb Picture of The Day” post. Yes I know most fake celebrity pictures look really fake, but that doesn’t make them any less funny. I had a good laugh while looking for some of these today and think it will be a good addition to The Feeding Tube.

Today’s “Fake Celeb Picture of The Day” is none other than the stunning and newly single sex vixen; Jessica Simpson.

If you have any Fake Celeb Pictures that you want to see posted, please email them in to us here.

Oh Christ standing in line at the deli! I found the finest shirt I’ve ever seen! It’s a spoof of Hitler featuring the Dough-Boy as Hitler and it’s called “White Flour!” He’s even set with his own Hitler style moustache!

Fucking classic!

Still think Clay Aiken doesn't have a little sugar in his tank? Well, the evidence is mounting (uhh, no pun intended.) Only a few months after John Paulus exposed his steamy 90-minute butt-sex episode with Aiken, a new person has come forth with an IM conversation he and Clay had after meeting on a gay personals website, complete with webcam shots. Since the source is a schoolteacher, his anonymity has been preserved.

For the record, we at The Feeding Tube are terminally straight. The closest Mike is to Gay is the distance from Atlanta to Meriwether County. As for me, well I'm all man, but I did go to church camp a few times. But as full-on hetero as we are, we don't think there's a problem with being gay. That is, unless you're a closet fag who frequents websites for casual sex. I think it's bad form for gay people to have such an "open-door" policy when it comes to relationships. And it really fucks up the argument that being a homosexual isn't synonymous with being a sexual deviant. The thing about Clay is, if he's gay, then that's fine. But not only is he hiding behind the veil of Christianity and Disney morals, he's also apparently one of the sluttiest ass-pirates this side of proctology school...


Source: The National Enquirer

Here's Ashley on the left, and Mary-Kate on the ri*, er, maybe it's the other way around. GOD DAMMIT! The only way I could tell the difference between these two skinny bitches was that MK was the one that smoked! Now they're BOTH smoking? What the fuck?!?!

Christ in a hand basket. I was surfing MySpace specifically to try to find someone to make fun of. I figured that I would start off going after Britney Spears fans, so I did a MySpace for “Britney Spears” and one of the first one that popped up was a profile that is supposedly Britney herself. Now after spending a few seconds reading the profile it’s obviously a fake, I mean I doubt Britney even knows how to turn on a computer let alone creating a MySpace profile. But the funny part is how naïve people are, just look at the people who are leaving comments for her. Anyone with any common sense would know after reading the “About Me” part that it’s a fake, but then again Britney is about as smart as a box of rocks so I guess anything is possible.

This shirt is for anyone who prides him/her self with being the master of the keg stand. By wearing this shirt, you will be the “Frank The Tank” and the envy of all your friends.

Here are the photos from shock-rocker Marilyn Manson's wedding to model Dita Von Teese. Not pictured are the strap-ons, ass-bottles, roadkill, and various other common wedding gifts. It's funny. I really expected Manson to be the one wearing the dress...

Jessica Alba arrives at the Oscars looking as hot as ever.

Just an observation, but on the left side of the screen is supermodel Naomi Campbell, and on the right is her 61-year-old mother, Valerie. You know there's a guy's rule that states if you want to see how a girl will look later on in her years, look at her mom. If that's the case, then Naomi doesn't have a damn thing to worry about. Her mom looks pretty fucking good! I'd tear her Depends right off and go to town!

Eh, they're probably both total bitches...

Today’s T-shirt of The Day is one that I wear proudly out at the grocery stores. I’m just waiting for that one horny MILF to stop me and talk me into going home with her to fulfill her dirty girl fantasies.

With all the recent uproar about the Muhammad cartoons it seemed only proper that the fine people over at T-Shirt Hell would create a series of T-shirts making fun of them. This one happens to be my favorite, I’ve always been a big fan of Charlie Brown, so the combination of one of my favorite cartoons and the Muhammad cartoons are just comic gold.

The Chuck Norris phenomena is crazy these days, with the jokes and the Chuck Norris facts and whatnot, and today I saw the funniest shirt I think I’ve ever seen on the internet. I had to order one, it’s the greatest Pop-Culture T-shirt of all time.

Behold! This is the cover shot that Rachel McAdams refused to pose naked for. I guess they REALLY wanted someone with hairy nipples in the shot because apparently they got Jeremy Piven to replace her. But I digress. I see great things for us in the future because of this naked ass-shot of Scarlett Johannson. We're inching closer to seeing her tits (God I pray.) And I don't think I'm alone when I think it was highly unnecessary for Keira Knightly to cover up her boy-tits. All in all, it's a very classy image.

UPDATE: Okay, apparently the guy is NOT Jeremy Piven, but Tom Ford. I guess I got a little too affixed on Scarlett's ass to do any research. I think I was a little snow-blind, too...

If you’re an old fart like me, chances are you remember an old show that used to come on Nickelodeon when we were kids called Salute Your Shorts. It was a habit of mine to sit in front of my TV after school and wind down to the funny, dramatic, and interesting antics of the gang at Camp Anawanna. But if you’re also like me, you probably slept a lot since then (and maybe even killed a few brain cells doing “other activities.”) So the only memorable characters you recall were Budnick (played by Danny Cooksey, who is currently enjoying a successful career as a voiceover artist,) and a guy named Eddie C. Gelfen, better known to the viewers as Donkeylips.

Paris Hilton Cleans herself - Source: Hollywood Tuna
Scarlett Johansson Is A Virgin - Source: Egotastic
Janet Jackson Is As Big As A House - Source: Dlisted
50 Cent Being Sued - Source: Yahoo News
Survivor Scandal - Source: Yahoo News

Paris Hilton Takes A Piss In A Cab - Source: Hollywood Rag
Did Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Breakup? - Source: Bricks and Stones
Brad Pitt Is A Daddy - Source: Yahoo News
Kelly Clarkston Thought She Was Too Big For Her Shoes - Source: Yahoo News

I have a confession. I watched American Idol last night. In fact, I've watched every season premiere since the show began. Please understand I don't watch AI in its entirety, just the beginning part of the season. I can't help it, man. Watching these deluded kids go up and make asses of themselves in front of the judges just cracks me up. There are so many young people out there that apparently got lied to about their singing ability (I'm guessing so they'd spread their legs and let that lying fucker go to town,) that they actually believe they've got what it takes to become the next big thing. And then they have the most honest and unrepentant man in the world, Simon Cowell, have to tell them they suck balls. Man, I LOVE it when they start to cry!

Ophelie Winter: The World’s Hottest Winter

The Red Balcony

From The Desk Of Paris Hilton

DListed Celebrities

Britney Daniels In Maxim Magazine

Cameron Diaz Golfing

Well, it appears that Gwen Stefani is definitely showing she's pregnant, and isn't she just glowing? Well, she might be if she wasn't dressing like it's laundry day. Man, I know the sports bra and track pants look she had when No Doubt first came out might not be very appropriate right now, but a fucking mumu would look better than this neo-derelict look she's got going for her. I understand she's thinking about designing a line of baby clothes now. Well, if it's a reflection on your current trend, babe, then I imagine most of us could just save a few bucks and puke on our infants.

In lieu of Lindsay Lohan's recent admission of drug abuse, I felt it necessary to write this piece as a public service announcement, in a way. I figure since I'm such a careful observer of celebs, as well as personally researched many forms of controlled substances, I should inform you of a somewhat disturbing trend that links Hollywood's female elite to the descent of drug addiction: nip-slips. Sure, there's always the wardrobe malfunction, often caused by today's fashion apparrel being created by dental floss and napkins. And fake boobs tend to become sentient and come up for air quite a bit. But there are certain characteristics coupled with these occasional tit-poppings that differentiate the celebs who are on 'the junk' to those that aren't.

Leave it to Hollywood Tuna to come up with such a clever ploy to get a hot chick like Sofia Vergara to whip out those dirty, dirty pillows for Playboy. I think it's pretty obvious that she'd sell millions of copies. Hell, I'd have to buy two just in case the first one's pages got too sticky (uhh, from me spilling beer on it, of course.) I just hope they're better at reverse psychology than my mom. To this day I think eating spinach will kill my sister...

Goddamn, I love the Rocky movies. One through four, that is. I couldn't stomach the shit job Sly's son and Tommy Morrison did to fuck the fifth one up. It also might have had a little to do with the fact that you watch each movie consecutively, and you feel an acceleration throughout the experience. The first movie was old, and it took a while for it to build up on the pace. The second movie sped up a little, as the editing started with lengthy shots and slowly but surely shortened into action-intense medium to close-up shots. Next thing you know BAM!!! Rocky's beating the shit out of Mr. T for killing his manager. BAM!!! BAM!!! He hands Dolph Lungren his ass! Okay let me regain my composure for a second. Anyway, you finally reach the fifth movie, and it hasn't even decelerated. It just slowed down to a fucking crawl. By the end, you kind of hoped Rocky's brain would explode, as per his doctor's warning...

Anyway, despite EVERYONE deciding Rocky 5 sucked shit, Sylvester Stallone went ahead and made a sixth movie. Sure, this one at least takes place back in a boxing arena, which is nice. But if you were hesitant to believe Rocky could actually beat up Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang, you'll never buy the idea that a 60-year-old white guy's gonna last more than two seconds in the ring with the powerhouse they've got playing his opponent, Mason Dixon. But hey, you're not supposed to actually believe in fantasy, are you? Otherwise, there would be fuckers lined up across the street believing lightsabers are technologically attainable, and that Keanu Reeves has the brain activity to become the world's savior.

So, since we are dealing with a STORY, and not plausible activity, Rocky VI (or Rocky Balboa, as I've heard it also called) might be an uplifting and remarkably good movie. Just ignore the fact that Sly looks like a claymation figure without his shirt on...

While most of us went to see our dreaded family and engorged ourselves on food (y'know, the time-honored traditions,) celebrities choose this time to go on vacations. It makes sense in a way, though. Celebs know we plebians are too busy watching our grandparents get drunk and calling our cousins losers while staying in a domestic setting, so no one is bothering them on the beaches. For instance, the Hilton sisters enjoyed the holidays in Maui, and Ricky Martin apparently has confirmed our suspicions whilst sunning and funning in the French Carribean. Looks like he's living La Vida Scrota, after all...

Hey, wanna do your part in patriotic support of the American flag and liberty? This is Wafah Dufour, apperaing in GQ magazine. But the important thing to know is she's Osama bin Laden's niece. So masturbate vigorously to this picture. Do it for your country. But whatever you do, DON'T try and imagine her with a beard and turban, looking for the facial similarities. Unless it helps, that is...

I'm sure many of you might remember this girl from a movie called Clueless and her starring in a few Aerosmith videos. Well now it looks she's just bra-less and poking about these days. But I'm not complaining...

This day and age we all know what to do and NOT do when it come to the risk of contracting the AIDS virus. But some people tend to look past that as they feel their egos make them better than a simple retrovirus. Unfortunately AIDS doesn't discriminate; just ask Magic Johnson. Kate Moss' former boyfriend and tremendous asshat, Pete Doherty, might have put her in a position to realize such a truth. You see, Pete's drug dealer is HIV-positive, and though they never shared needles, they do tend to keep them in the same glass. And something tells me if your system's full of horse you never know which needle is which, and most likely you don't care.

So, here's the deal, Kate. Go get your skinny ass tested quick, because if you've got the virus, you need to work quick to maintain it. You're not exactly the epitome of health right now. As far as the rest of you, I know that bad-boy image guys like Doherty convey is considered mad-sexy, but there's a possibility they are just idiot vacuums for the AIDS virus. Avoid them like , well, the PLAGUE. Here, let's break down the difference between a bad-boy and an AIDS-iot:

The guy who photographed Jennifer Aniston topless is lashing back at the actress for hitting him up with a lawsuit. He claims he wasn't trespassing, and was merely trying to obtain photos of her and her pusbag for a new boyfriend, Vince Vaughn. He initially defended his actions by saying this,

"When I saw her come out topless, I go, 'Oh, God, this is not what I want, this is not what people want to buy anyway.' I haven't sold those pictures anywhere.
You know, they're suing me and all the publications who are publishing them, and I haven't sold them anywhere."

But then he responds with THIS,

"Sending the topless pictures along with (the other photos) was maybe my mistake. But I wasn't intending to sell those."

Talk about your all-time contradictory statements. But even though the guy is clearly a fucking liar, I've seen the photos of her tits, and frankly the only thing fascinating about them is they're attached to HER. Honestly, what the hell is so wrong about showing these photos anyway? Is it because she's embarrassed about the sheer ugliness of her bulbous nips, or is it a modesty thing? I think if you've made the decision to become a TV and movie star, then the act of you sunbathing topless in a fenceless backyard is open season for your tits being posted on the internet. You should consider yourself honored that people want to see them in the first place.

I was casually watching television the other day when I kept seeing commercials for a new primetime game show (of which I cannot for the life of me tell you the name of; don't I just kick ass as a journalist?) Anyway, I'm barely observing when I see the host of the show and slightly recognize him, so I wait for the next commercial to confirm who I thought it might be (of course I could have just used the rewind feature on my TV; don't I just kick ass as a lazy fuck?) Well, as expected the commercial came back on and lo and behold the game show's host was none other than Howie Mandel. The reason I couldn't recognize him wasn't because he's a fucking has-been. It was because he shaved all his hair off. By the way, for those of you who don't know who Howie Mandel is, he was this "comedian" in the late 80's who used to put a surgical glove on his head and inflate it with his nose. Good stuff. Really.





Anyhow, it dawned on me that this shaved head craze has gotten out of hand. Sure, it was the COOL thing to do in the 90's because it was the sum opposite of hippiedom and it made fat guys look tough instead of dumpy. And it's the common practice for football teams to shave their heads before a playoff game inorder to promote spirit and unity. But dammit, I'm sick of it now! How in the hell are we supposed to differentiate the neo-nazis anymore? Can't judge them by their army jackets; you can buy that kind of shit at Hot Topic these days. But you look in the media and see all sorts of bald-headedness in 2005. Bruce Willis, Michael Rosenbaum, Billy Zane, and of course old Howie are just a few names I can think of at the moment. Okay, Michael Rosenbaum doesn't really count, because he has to keep his head shaved for all those 'fresh' episodes of Smallville. But the other guys are only doing it because they're actually balding, and don't want to come off looking like Stanley Tucci.

So listen to me now, and don't judge my edict as a biased opinion due to my long, flowing locks. STOP SHAVING YOUR HEADS, BASTARDS! I realize it's not just your fault; corporate society has allowed this travesty to continue by letting you skinheaded fuckers go into the workplace. But it's about time someone told you that shaving your head doesn't make you look like a badass. It actually makes you look more like a dick with ears. I think this video not only proves this doesn't make you tough (actually it appears backwards baseball caps give off the Samson effect,) but also acts as a reminder that no hair will make you uncushioned once you hit your head on the pavement.

Of course, I might just be venting because I shaved my head once, and I looked alot like Charlie Brown. But I seriously doubt it.

So the papparazzi were hard at work the other night outside of LAX trying to get good photos of celebs. And what do they get for us? Nicky Hilton, Kelly Osbourne, and Kimberly Stewart! For fucks sake, where are the REAL celebrities? You know, the ones who didn't gain popularity by hanging on their dad's (or cheap slut for a sister's) scrotes? Remember when people were only interested in referring to people as celebs due to the mark THEY made on the earth, and not some bullshit nepotism? Can you recall a time when NO ONE gave two shits about the children of famous people? You should, it was only ten fucking years ago. Hell, even Nicolas Cage changed his name so he wouldn't be constantly hen-pecked for getting the silver spoon from his famous uncle, Francis Ford Coppola.

British actor Bob Hoskins refuses to be knighted by the queen because he can't stand the idea of everyone calling him Sir. Now, I'd totally understand why he didn't want to go through with the act if Queen Elizabeth took to wearing shorter dresses, and kneeling in front of her might make him able to see her mangled beef curtains. But to not want the highest honor given to a person in England because of the title is just stupid.

He claims it's because everyone who's ever given him grief in his career had the title of 'Sir.' But we all know the truth; you just don't want to sound like an old man. I used to make little snide remarks to people who called me Sir as well, but at the time I was just a young man in my late teens. But you actually are an old man. In fact, you've been pretty old ever since the first movie I ever recall seeing you in, which just so happens to be Who Framed Roger Rabbit? And you should consider yourself honored I even remember you in that movie, since at the time you were clearly upstaged by my overactive hormones garnering an mean hard-on for Jessica Rabbit.

Hoskins continues his beratement of the title by adding, "...they lumber you with this kind of Sir on top of you, completely alienating you from your own life. I could imagine me walking into a newspaper shop and the fellow calling me, 'Hello Sir Bob'. My a***." Okay, off-topic for a second, I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be an RSE in place of those asterisks there. Is that really that bad of a word nowadays, arse? I'd see why you may want to cover it up if he said 'my anal rape of a Vietnamese schoolgirl,' but otherwise just leave the fucking quote alone.

All right, back to the point. Dude, you're an ACTOR, and a famous one at that. Sure, you probably don't have women camping out in front of your lawn every night, and I think it's pretty obvious that no one is going to forcefully take a lock of your hair (see photo to understand why.) But if being recognized by millions doesn't alienate you from society, adding an honorable title sure as fuck won't tip the scales. Look, if every knighted person has been a total dick in your eyes, then maybe you should try to be the one Sir who isn't a dick. Stop the insanity, Bobbo, okay?

I'm gonna go pull one out to photos of Jessica Rabbit now. Just think about what I said...

After a very longstanding feud, Oprah and Dave decided to make amends and act more jovial toward each other. And last night, she appeared on Letterman's show. Now, try as I might, I couldn't sit down and stomach the fucking show long enough to watch their reunion. I watched a little of the beginning part (you know, the monologue, the Top Ten, all that shit,) and I couldn't get over how much Dave was kissing her fat ass! This is not the same David Letterman I've grown to love as a performer, compromising his principles like this. Just about every other guest that's ever been on the show didn't seem to mind him poking a little fun at them. And really, it's always in good jest. But I had to stop watching before she actually came onto the set, and he commenced to plant his face firmly between her cheeks. Although, if that actually were to happen, I might have wanted to continue watching. Great, there I go thinking with my dick again...





Is that Chastity Bono behind Oprah? There goes my erection...

A few years back, I attended a mock trial involving a nationally-publicized murder in Galveston in which we, the fake jury, decided though the man had indeed killed the other man we couldn't reasonably conclude it was malicious in nature because the head was missing. Sound a little mind-numbing? Well, it's nothing compared to what the jury's going to have to do if this case goes to court. Aaron Spelling, the creepy-looking fucker who produced many hit TV shows in his career, is counter-suing his nurse who's suing him for sexual harassment. I can't honestly say (given the limited facts I know) who is telling the truth.

So let's look at Spelling first. Yes, it's safe to assume that he looks like one of those guys who thinks because of his money he can be considered attractive to all women despite the fact that he's uglier than a warthog's asshole. And he's also suing the nurse for violating his "confidentiality agreement," which might make a person suspicious as to why someone who's not an actress has to sign one. Sure I know that any employee of his household might be privy to top-secret 90210 information, but come the fuck on. Are you worried your nurse is going to tell everyone you have a vagina on your forehead? Or that you and Tori take turns sucking each other cocks? Or maybe, just MAYBE, you thought it might keep the female staff quiet so you can walk around the house naked and shake your dick at them. Oh, and there's also that whole stigma attached to producers and their casting couches, but we can't really blame you for having that edge.

Now let's look at the other side of the spectrum. The nurse is asking for 30 million in damages for this alleged sexual harassment. That's an awful lot of fucking compensation for some guy probably only saying an off-color remark. Hell, he would have to have duct-taped you and suspended you from the ceiling, and then fucked, pissed, and shit on every orifice in your body for me to safely think there should be a healthy amount of punitive damages. And even then I'd only ask for a couple hundred grand. Damn, bitch. You might as well wear a big sign saying "Huckster" as you walk into the court.

So what would be the defining factor for me to ultimately decide who telling the truth or not? Simple. I'd have to see what this nurse looks like. If she's an ugly cow, then I believe Spelling. If she's hot as balls, then I don't blame Spelling.

Man, these fuckers are taking this humanitarian effort too damn far. They even snubbed Brad's folks for Thanksgiving so they could go on this "righteous crusade." But let me just ask a question. If you guys are on a quest for humanitarian aid, then what the fuck are you doing in Japan? Those fuckers are way better off than we are. Plus, have you considered adopting a cute Middle Eastern kid? Or maybe Indian, perhaps? I'm sure there's at least one or two cute ones out there that you don't have steal from their biological parents...





Call me nutsy, but could this public outing of their relationship have anything to do with Mr. and Mrs. Smith coming out on DVD this week? God, I hate fake people...

Sorry the posts have been a little thin, guys. Turkey Day oftentimes means you have to leave the sanctity of your prescious computer room. But if I manage to find a little time to fit in an article or two, you can be sure I'll oblige. But here's all the good shit while I was away:

Pat Morita, actor most famous for blatantly stereotyping a culture as Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid series, waxed off yesterday. Sayonara, Pat. We know you were only stereotyping Okinawans, and not the Japanese, so it's all good. Based on what I know about Okinawa, no one actually owns a TV.

Nick and Jessica are fucking splitsville. Now all I need to hear is that Tom Cruise really IS gay, and that Paris Hilton really DOES spew acid from her vagina, and I'm opening a psychic hotline.

After several years of nobody noticing, Oprah Winfrey and David Letterman have kissed and made up. No word on whether that was with the tongue and followed by some healthy anal-fisting, though.

Minnie Driver, who you may have seen recently in, well nothing, has stated that she won't gain weight for any movies. This is due to the fact that she can't handle the taunts from others about being a lard-ass, even if the weight was put on purposely. Quotes Driver,

"When a man puts on weight for a part, he's called a great actor. When a woman puts on weight for a part, she's called fat. It's so unfair. I was a bit lardy arsed for a while, and then I was fit again."

Well, I can see where the double standard might be a kick in the ass. But wait, didn't I hear you once caked on about 30 pounds of extra ass for your role in a movie called Circle of Friends? Mmmm-HMMM...





Speaking of bitches, George Clooney is a little self-conscious about the weight he gained to play a CIA agent in the movie Syriana. No word on how he got over the fact that he has salt-and-pepper hair and crow's feet, though. Look people, sometimes you have to thicken up to play slightly overweight people. Fat suits are generally a waste of time if the only thing you have to do is look a few pounds heavier than usual. And when you think about it, the roles involving putting on a fat suit are generally not made for Oscar-caliber performances. I figure as long as you don't stay the same weight you did to emulate a character, you'll get plenty of respect from moviegoers regarless of your gender. Except for when Renee Zelwegger plumped up for that Bridget Jones shit. That was just nasty...

A while back we obtained and presented behind-the-scenes footage of Kate Moss' photoshoot for the 2006 Pirelli calender. Thankfully with December being just around the corner, we finally get to see the end results. And just in case these photos don't reveal what Pirelli manufactures, it's TIRES, dipshits. Ah, leave it to the Europeans to prove that tits do indeed sell.

What is the deal with these trendy restaurants in L.A.? Surely, not every celebrity likes sushi, but in order to conform with the other stars it seem like every celebrity eats at Koi. We all know Lindsay Lohan isn't exactly eating nowadays, and Tara Reid wouldn't ingest anything that isn't made with Everclear and oxycotin. Yet they frequent this fucking restaurant. Is this considered the fellowship hall for the Kaballists and Scientologists or something?

Okay, I'll be honest. I'm just pissed because there aren't any good Sushi bars around here. The closest one is thirty minutes away, and I could swear the guys behind the counter are Mexican. Maybe what gave it away was that instead of them yelling, "Kunichiwa!!," they're spouting, "Oye, vato!!! Mira las pinches sushi, pendejo!!!" Plus I know the difference between a California Roll and a cut-up burrito. You bitches aren't fooling anyone...

Trailer Park America's sweethearts are reportedly taking a holiday vacation to New York with their infant son Sean Preston in order to fix their rocky marriage. Now, I'm no Dr. Phil, but I see a shitload of things that make absolutely no sense with this bold maneuver.

For one, doesn't one need to be working in order to have a vacation? Sure, Kevin's been busy puking out mad lyrics in his buddy's basement (and by 'mad' I mean pointless and insane.) But it seems to me that staying at home for these fuckers is practically a vacation. Why don't they go visit Britney's family in Louisiana? After all, it IS Thanksgiving. Lord knows if my wife and I are having a spat, we sure as fuck won't bring it to the dinner table while we're at her folks or mine. But then again, we're not over-priviledged white trash.

Secondly, and call me crazy, but didn't this shit start after the baby was born? So, what's the sense in bringing the ONE thing that tore you apart along with you on your marriage-revigorating vacation? Don't tell me you guys actually believe that taking the kid with you is going to help by creating some kind of holy trinity of family togetherness. Is Kaballah feeding you this bullshit? Listen, one of you isn't old enough to give a shit whether the family is in turmoil. All he wants to do is be pampered. Uhh, on second thought, there may be TWO people with that mindset.

Thirdly, let's face it. The marriage is in the shitter, and it's only ONE person's fault. Who might it be, you ask? Well, it's the same person in 75% of EVERY marriage that's in the shitter: the husband. Kevin is the one shirking his duties as a father and husband. You haven't heard any stories about Britney going out partying at clubs. The most active thing Britney does outside the house is go on an occasional shopping spree, and that's probably just to buy shit for the baby. However, Kevin is constantly out partying and making himself come off as the deadbeat he actually is. Think about it. Have you ever seen any photos of Kevin running to the store to pick up diapers? Not unless Corona has gone into collaboration with Pampers.

So here's my advice, jackasses. DON'T go on vacation with your kid. Just stay home and raise the little fucker right so he doesn't turn into the Cheeto-stained FUBU-wearing spawn of trash we all expect him to become. Kevin, stop being a whore, and Britney, get back to work and START becoming a whore again.

Like I said, I'm no Dr. Phil...

Wow, today has gotten off on the right foot! I woke up at the crack of noon with a hang-around (I call it a 'hang-around' because there's nothing OVER about it.) Then I have to limp my way around the back yard to feed the dogs, and no amount of hydrocodone can dull the pain of putting pressure on a broken foot. But chasing it down with tequila sure helps. So after my healthy breakfast of drugs and alcohol, I sit down and get ready to verbally beat the living shit out of celebrities. When lo and behold, not one but TWO celebs graced us with see-through tops! Britney Spears and Victoria Beckham, you've just made my fucking day...

Okay, we start with Britney. I'm not sure whether to call those high-beams or low-beams. But one thing is for sure; the bitch could cut glass with those nipples. What the hell is that shirt made of, cellophane?

Okay, there's a lot to be said for a shit-happy grin when you've got tons of fans who love you for your role as Harry Potter in soon to be FOUR successful movies. But man, you'd think he might trying NOT looking so girlish and giddy. Plus, a tan wouldn't hurt either. The sun does come out every once in a while in the UK, doesn't it?

For the record, I know Daniel Radcliffe isn't from Manchester. That's just what I hear in my head when I look at these photos...

So I'm doing my routine daily hunt for decent topics to bash on this website, and I see two stars who've taken the liberty to confess their drug habits, Johnny Depp and Rod Stewart. Normally, you would expect them to have some kind of ethereal wisdom to why they stopped doing drugs. No such luck. Johnny Depp ceased his drug habit six years ago after his daughter was born, and because it made him a 'dumbass.' That's right, he's convinced now that since he quit doing drugs, he's no longer a dumbass. I've dabbled in the drug scene in my day (which might explain why it took me 7 years to bet a Bachelor's degree, among other reasons.) And I can tell you there were smart people who smoked weed, as well as complete dipshits. And what happened after they smoked weed? They became STONED smart people and dipshits. The dipshits were usually the ones who let drugs invade their every activity, and ultimately lose it all. I have a few friends who cleaned up after nearly destroying their lives, and they are still dumber than shit. Just a little more jittery than before.





Now I have mixed emotions as to Rod Stewart's testament to why he quit doing coke. Part of me wants to applaud him for not going the whiny, predictable route. But most of me wants to slap the porcupine off his head and shove it up his big honking nose.

Is it because his dick shriveled to the size of a peanut? No.

Is it due to the fact that all he got was a five-second high, and the incessant need to pick his nose and rub his expensive boogers across his gums? Not it either.

Is it because it may be partly responsible for creating his daughter Kimberly, a deluded mutant who isn't the least bit aware that she looks like a pile of puke with a strawy blonde wig? You'd think that would be it, but alas it's not.

No, it's because cocaine isn't as pure as it was back in his day. He doesn't want the impurities that are added to the modern day 8-ball. That would be like me saying I don't do heroin because it more than likely has been up someone's ass at one point. I guess the drug itself just isn't reason enough.

Listen, guys. I generally don't need drug advice from someone who make a shitload more money than I do, and wouldn't know what rock-bottom looks like if it hit them on their diamond-encrusted scrotums. But if you're going to confess this shit, try and do it without coming off like ridiculous DUMBASSES. You may actually encourage someone with a real problem to do something about it.

Hopefully by now, you guys have sniffed around here long enough to figure out that we have a certain option for you to submit things on this shit. I've already seen guys like Xavier and Dave email us good material, and I think I've proven that I'll give you the recognition for your help and support for our fledgling site. So if you have pics, links, or -fuck it- even articles, I'll post that shit within reason. We're essentially nothing without your support, so it's the least we can do to let the equivalent of a small country know about your existence.

Jesus, I'm starting to sound like I'm hosting a PBS telethon. Just click here, bitches. Oh and emerson, tell your wife I'm anxious to SEE that left tit I allegedly suck, bro...

Kathy Hilton, famous for shitting out Paris and Nicky, had taken a nice little spread-eagle photograph along with others back when she was a teenager, and now her ex-boyfriend is trying to get some money off of it via eBay. The photos show a young Kathy who Nicky definitely takes after in various poses, all of which were deemed too "racy" by Star magazine. I assume "racy" is a pat response they shell out when they just don't give a fuck about something. Like,

"Look, Liv Tyler's fat sister just robbed a caramel factory! Should we write an article?"

"No, it's too racy *wink wink*..."

So with that in mind, why did I write this editorial? Simple. Since she's older than dirt now, I can tell you I would have boned the living shit out of teenaged Kathy. I would have totally given her anal, because I bet she would have feigned more interest than her oldest daughter did...

By the way, at the time this article was written, the bid was up to $199. Better hurry and get it while it's still useless!

Indeed they do...

Okay, fellas. There's been a long-standing debate over which Hilton sister is hotter. And fortunately for us, Maxim has been generous enough to give everyone a better podium to help us all decide. So peep these pics, and tell your buddies here at The Feeding Tube who you think is hotter: Paris or Nicky?

Any of you guys big fans of celebrity upskirt shots and nip-slips? Yeah, me too. That's why I enjoy going to www.taxidrivermovie.com. It's got more celebrity oops-pics than a guy can shake a dick at. Whoa, did I say dick? I meant STICK. Shake a stick at...talk about your Freudian nip-slips. Damn, I'm doing it again!

Anyway, if this photo of Michelle Heaton showing the world where babies come from doesn't encourage you to check out the site, then you clearly have more problems than I do. And I'm about as sexually deviant as one can get.


Check out more shit like this here

So everyone's been giving this Stavros guy that Paris Hilton is currently dating a hard time because he gave a homeless guy 100 dollars to pour a Burger King Pepsi over himself. They're calling him a jerk for humiliating a vagrant.

First of all, did you fuckers not see the part where he gave him 100 dollars? That's a lot of cheddar for a guy who has no taxable income. Now, I'm not going to jump on the cliche train and say the guy's just going to buy booze with the money. But he sure as shit isn't putting it into a Christmas Club anytime soon.

Secondly, just how in the world can you justify your statements by saying he "humiliated" a guy who turned asking for free money into a career? That is, if you want to call it a career. I absolutely HATE it when some bum comes up to me and requests that I give him money without anything in return for it. The least the guy can do is a little dance, or pour some fucking soda on his head. Hell, once in Washington D.C. I paid a guy five bucks to eat a booger. Now that's being a jerk.

Finally, consider the details. Stavros Niarchos and his drunken buddies thought it would be the Queen's tits of hilarious to pay some bum lots of money to pour a carbonated beverage on his head. They were reportedly "rolling with laughter" after he did it. And I checked many sources. There were no alleged reports of spit OR jiz in the cup. So would I call him a jerk? No. A dork, maybe; a douchebag, definitely. But not a jerk.

Halloween is a great time of year. The chicks get to dress up as sluts and (seemingly) no one talks shit about it, and dudes get to wear ugly chick outfits. Now, I suppose there could be some speculation that it's that one time of the year where a guy can show off his deep desire to be a woman, but I know better. Frankly, I couldn't think of anything better than a dress to hide that purple and bulbous hard-on you get from watching chicks walk around the bar all night dressed as slut-bunnies. Besides, I think I'd look good in a camisol...wait, forget I said that...
Anyway, here's a pic of Xtina dressed as a naughty nurse. Enjoy yourselves tonight.

Okay, sucks is a harsh way of putting it. But let's face it; it may be less sugar-coated but just as bad as Old Blue Eyes' daughter claiming she was 'unimpressed' with Simpson's recording of "These Boots Were Made for Walking," a bastardized remake for the movie The Dukes of Hazzard. Alas, despite Sinatra's own daughter assisting in the molestation of what I consider a timeless classic, she didn't dig the way Jessica shit on her hit single.

Well, I can only agree with Nancy Sinatra. It seems the only songs I've heard from her were remakes of songs that were already more than good enough to begin with. There's absolutely no need to redo a classic, even if the only talent you've got happens to require a bra.

In light of rapper Cam'ron recently getting shot, we bring you this:

I'm sick and tired of this crap. I thought I knew football well enough to be able to figure out who were going to fuck things up during ESPN.com's live draft for our league.

Yeah, I was the quarterbackally-retarded guy who picked Daunte Culpepper.

I was the Cowboys fan who opted for Julius Jones and Jason Witten.

I was the clever-thinker who chose Muhsin Muhammed for my leading wide receiver (because technically he's the only one of the Chicago Bears who stood the best chance at catching the ball.)

Despite my absolute hatred for the Philadelphia Eagles, I picked David Akers as my starting kicker.

If you've kept up with the games, you already know I might as well have played myself and run the opposite direction once I got the ball (with the exception of Witten, of course.) There were slight moments when my choices seemed like the right thing to do, but they paled in comparison to the effectiveness that a monkey could have chosen in terms of a better fantasy team. Don't get me wrong. I watched EVERY single game I could, and I made a few changes that were very smart, as far as I was concerned. I even went so far as to use my mad Internet-skills and call the mothers and Big Mommas of the free-agent players I decided to introduce to my terribly-ineffective team to see if they thought I should put them in. Tatum Bell's Grandma was very uncooperative at first, but after hearing about my plight told me, "Yeah, my baby will help out yo' team." I figured she should know, right? WRONG. She apparently needs to help me out further by informing Plummer of this. And while she's at it, she could remind Bledsoe that he and Peerless Price had that amazing chemistry that can only give 1800 yards once again as fellow Cowboys.

C'mon, Big Momma Bell, help a guy with 2 wins and 5 losses. I'll forget all about your cursing my entire family the first couple of times I called you for advice...

I ran across this black beauty for Big Tits Round Asses today and thought I’d share a few pictures of her with you all today. I try to keep this site as work friendly as possible, but fuck it we all need downtime, don’t we?

If any of you were privileged enough to read my articles on Push 4 Coin, you may be well aware that I'm a huge fan of the Rocky movies. In fact, last March when AMC had it's Rocky Week I watched every single Rocky movie...twice. What can I say? Rocky fucking rocks. It's like Star Wars to me.

That being said, I'm not sure what to think about a new Rocky movie. I suppose I can take small comfort in the fact that Sly decided to name it Rocky Balboa rather than Rocky VI, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that this movie is about a decade too late in the making. Now, I know Stallone is still in very good shape for being 59, but all the well-defined abs and pecks amount to shit when your skin looks like an old saddle bag. Please Sly, do the world a favor and DON'T take your shirt off in this movie. No one wants to see that anymore than they'd want to see their grandfather's hairy balls. Great. Now I'm making references to old men's testicles. Thanks a lot, asshole.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'll still see the movie because it might be pretty damn good. However, as the first five movies made me want to start up a vigorous regimen of push-ups and crunches, this one might just make me not want to get old and die. And as ridiculous as it sounds to have a much older Stallone gearing up to return to the ring, at least he's not thinking about reprising his role as Rambo. Oh wait, he is? Jeezus...

So the Osbourne kids have grown up. It seems that fire man Jack has lost a lot of weight, probably due to all the drugs that he sucks down daily. But Kelly isn’t losing any weight – maybe she needs to get on Jack’s diet of Crack and Red Bulls; hey in his defense he has to be awake to put out fires.

Psst, hey Salma. Yeah YOU, is there anyone else around here named Salma? There's something I thought you might want to know about that Jude Law fella you've been seeing lately. No, it's not about his crazy ex-girlfriend Sienna Miller; everyone knows about that. It's about Jude Jr. It's small. I mean REALLY small. 9-year-old fat kids would point and laugh at that thing. He's packing only slightly more than Tom Cruise's character in Born on the Fourth of July, and that's me being generous in my statement.

Look honey, I know you're probably one of those types that believes it what's on the INSIDE that counts. Clearly you don't worry about what's on the outside, seeing as how you dated that chinless and pasty Edward Norton for a while. But even you have to worry about pleasing the g-spot. And unless yours is roughly two inches outside of your body, I believe you've got a major problem.

You've got just about the most perfect body in the entire world. Hell, I even let down my anti-unibrow guard after seeing your performance in the full frontal furburger-fest that was Frida. Now all alliterations aside, you deserve much more manliness in your companionship. I'm not saying it should be me, but if that's how you read into it I'm sure my wife won't mind. I'm just saying if you enjoy staring at small and slightly-covered weiners, there's a kolache shop down the road.

I hate Britney Spears, I hate her lifestyle in which she consumes more junk food than Oprah and I especially hate her husband; Kevin “Puke” Federline. This guy has 3 kids and no job, but is making a good living off of inserting his penis into Britney Spears. I just got these pictures and they have been taken just recently. Look at Kevin’s new hairstyle; I guess he’s trying to get back to his roots. Not much is more hilarious to me than white dudes with cornrows, who think they are hip-hop stars. Kevin is walking comedy, someone should just videotape his clothes and hairstyles and the way he talks and he could be a platinum selling comedian in no time.

150-foot fossilized colossus found off the coast of Basmejel...er, some place in India.

Oscar winner goes topless on Italian TV. C'mon, click the link...suckers...

Are you a fan of nip-slips? Yeah, that's what I thought. [NSFW]

I don't want to overuse the word 'irony,' but sometimes it's the only way to describe a certain situation. Of course, 'Darwinism' comes to mind, too...

So, does this mean blow-jobs are non-refundable in Oklahoma City? Good to know.

I hate Ashton Kutcher. I hate his pop-culture antics and I hate him for setting a trend for emo kids by wearing trucker hats. But somehow his goofy self managed to land Demi Moore into his bed and for that I hate him more than anything. He recently married her in a Kabbalah ceremony (don’t even get me started on why celebrities are all jumping on the Kabbalah bandwagon). Anyway, tonight I stumbled onto their wedding pictures and thought they were worth a post; I simply can’t get over how cheesy Ashton looks in his ridiculous hat.