Wow, and you fuckers though Kevin Federline couldn't do any worse than Popozao, didn't you? Is that Thomas Dolby's She Blinded Me With Science mix in the background? Hahaha, what a fag! Well, K-Fed, I highly recommend you go ahead and shave some lines into your fucking eyebrow now, buddy, cuz you're going to be reminding people of Vanilla Ice for a long time. Even though Ice wasn't a mooch, and he could jump over fences on his crotchrocket. Can you do that, Kevin? Huh? Damn, that was a great movie...

Man, we spend a lot of time giving Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline a world of grief. But I honestly never thought the day would come when the two most useless fucks in Hollywood would end up in the same story. Not too long ago Britney was spotted in Vegas without her ring, and the reason for that is she caught K-Fed with a handful of Paris Hilton’s asscheek at Palms Casino. The furious mother of his child basically threw her wedding ring at him. Kevin, in his infinite wisdom, tried to explain to Britney that his cufflink got caught while giving Paris a friendly pat on the (lower) back. Huh. I hope you won’t be offended if NO other guy steals that lame fucking excuse, dude. I think I’ll just stick to the old trusty, “but honey, she had an ass-cramp and I was merely massaging it for her” line.

Dear Tom from MySpace,

I just got back from the store to get some more razor-blades and hair-dye in hopes of relaxing in front of the computer at Emo Central (your site.) When to my shock and dismay I found this page by that fake fuck, Kevin Federline. What the shit is this, Tom? Why are you letting these wannabes onto our blessed online Emo-topia? You've changed, man.

MySpace used to be a place where we could celebrate our individuality by sharing tips on how long we should go without washing our black hair, how thick-rimmed our glasses should be, and interesting ways to shrink our clothing, all the while as we upload songs that are uncleverly composed yet wrought with deep, melancholy lyrics. But now we have to put up with these fake white hip-hop "stars" who disgust us with their asinine desire to conform to afrocentric traditions. Dude, you've just turned my non-smile into a frown.

To top it off, I can't get this fucking "Popozao" song out of my head. This is killing me, Tom. Does this mean I like white rappers now? My parents are going to be pissed at you if this is true, Tom. They think I spend way too much money at Hot Topic as it is. They'll disown me if I start buying Sean John clothing.

I guess what I'm getting at, Tom, is that it's never too late to stop selling out. Sure, you sold off your website to corporate media, and they now use it as a vessel for famous musicians and stars to make fans feel like they're approachable. And sure, you probably make more money than my dad, which I'd know if I cared enough to see past the dark emptiness of my existence shown through my greasy hair and paid attention to his financial status. But it's STILL not too late to stop being a corporate pawn. Po-po-popoza*GODDAMMIT! I swear I'd cut my wrists right now If I wasn't saving the new razor blades for when this girl I like comes over. At least I hope it's a girl. It's hard to tell these days.

Go to hell with me,
Emo Kid

K-Fed has decided the idea of divorcing him could cost Britney 125 million. This, coupled with a few other decisions, has got me thinking the deadbeat fuck-up might be smarter than we give him credit for. Let's backtrack through their relationship. Despite her KNOWING he's married with a child and one one the way, he convinces Britney to allow herself to be viewed as a homewrecker and start seeing him. Afterwards he convinces her that their love is so strong, a prenup would be insulting. Then, in an effort to further her descent into white trashdom, they have a plastic chair wedding replete with matching tracksuits for the wedding party (and you just KNOW there were Jello shots at the reception.) And now that he knocked her up, he's taken the liberty to show his true colors as a mooching pothead who'd rather shell out hundreds of Britney's dollars on Cristal at the club than stay home and relieve his wife of diaper-duty. Now, he's finally got her pissed enough that she's pondering divorce, and you just know he's relaxing in an expensive hotel room, twiddling his thumbs and belting out an evil laugh after saying, "My plan is almost complete. Now I'll be a millionaire bachelor, and never have to kiss that cottage-cheese ass ever AGAIN! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Aside from the speculation of what Kevin's thinking in his luxury hotel suite, every single one of those actions are what convinces me that this was all part of an elaborate scheme. Either Kevin is a convincing and manipulative bastard, or Britney is a brainless and horrible judge of character; my money leans more toward the latter. That being said, here's what I think Britney should do. Refuse to be the one who initially calls for a divorce, and find out what he has to do that California law will consider grounds enough for a divorce that WON'T entitle him to half her estate. Or better yet, hire radical Muslim suicide-bombers as Kevin's bodyguards. Or an even better idea would be to just divorce him, and learn to live without that extra cash at least until you make another shitty monotoned album that 13-year-old girls will blow all their allowance on. Any of those decisions should work, because in the long run you already sunk yourself into a deep pit, one far deeper than Kevin's dick had to endure...

A recent poll by Star magazine revealed a whopping 96% of those who responded believe Kevin married Britney for her money and to help boost his 'career.' The remaining 4% are friends and family of Spears and Federline and have actually heard him say he's using Spears for her money and to help boost his 'career.' I think the only legitimate career he ever had going for himself fell off the podium at a club this weekend and caused his hand to break. But as far as him using her for her money, the pictures don't fucking lie.

Sure, he could have impressed us all by refusing to let Britney buy him a nice car and sticking with his old beat-down piece of shit. But let's face it, we would have thought he was even MORE of an idiot. Besides, it's just as much Britney's fault. Actually, it's more her fault, since she's one who flaunted him about town like a fucking trophy. How do you expect a person to act when he's given everything he ever wanted? Eventually he's going to overdo it, and you're going to join the hate parade and point the finger solely towards him (and maybe whoever encouraged him to take up free-style rapping; oh wait, I think that was YOU, Britney.)

So Kevin Federline is broke. Maybe Britney finally came to her senses and cut the baggy pants, want to-bee hip-hop star off. I mean at the rate that K-Fed spends money she’ll be broke by the end of the year and all they will have to show for it will be a horrible hip-hop single, a bunch of baggy pants and a bunch of shoes with no show strings. I predict they will be living in a trailer by the time K-Fed’s hip–hop album drops in 2008.

Check out these photos of Kevin at Blockbuster having his credit/debit card rejected, only to rush to the ATM to find out that he’s broke.