Justin Timberlake may have decent pipes when it comes to singing (even if all he sings is crap,) but his speaking voice leaves him found wanting. He apparently has lost a few film roles due to the fact that his voice makes him sound like a kid. Personally, I would have said he sounds more like a Keebler elf, but I'm not as nice as most casting directors. Anyway, due to his testicle-squeezed speaking voice he's opted to take lessons on getting his voice lower. Wouldn't it be cheaper if he just took up smoking? And no, NOT pole, if that's what you thought I was referring to. We've already seen how that hasn't helped him one bit.


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Justin Timberlake recently launched his new clothing line at a Beverly Hills boutique. Wow, that by far was the gayest thing I've ever written. That just beat, "I had to google Usher to get a good enough recent photo," and, "My balls tingle." What straight, WHITE male is going to come out with a clothing line, and couldn't he have picked a more hetero place to open it like, say, anywhere but a boutique? Look, we all know you're comfortable with your sexuality, dude. But the metrosexual attitude is thankfully waning. Don't beat a gay horse, or however that saying goes...


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I just dawned on me today. I've been giving lots of celebrities shit for about two months now, and I haven't even fucked with one of the most despicable ones I could even think of, Justin "Fakest Bitch of All" Timberlake. Not only did he get his start singing helium-high Garth Brooks songs on Star Search, but he changes his last name after a pair of shoes no one wears anymore, joins the Mickey Mouse Club and then the lamest boy band this side of Menudo. Then he goes solo, starts dating Cameron Diaz, and decides to get into acting. I will give him this, though; the fucker's consistent. His helium voice hasn't changed since the days his mom dressed him in cowboy clothes and forced him to sing in front of Ed McMahon. And he hasn't gotten any cooler, either. Sure, he fucked Britney Spears, but who in Hollywood hasn't? For that matter, there are very likely several nearby trailer park residents who can claim that "honor."

But as lame as he is, his manager has to have him beat. For one, the guy looks about five-foot-NOTHING, and yet he has a tattoo of an eagle on his fucking neck. I suppose that's so he would look more 'tough and gritty,' but if that were the case, then I'd recommend he not choose a career working for a guy whose name is affiliated with dolls and lip gloss. Plus, we all know he's got to be either related to Justin or a childhood friend. No sensible businessperson ever hires someone with no experience or practical knowledge to manage their affairs. Only Celebrities and foreign shopkeepers do this shit...