Happy New Year, fuckers! I hope everyone got so surprisingly drunk that they didn't make a resolution this morning, per se, but the usual hovering over the toilet and promising never to drink that much again. At least for a few days...

Well, the news is pretty slow in the world. Tom Cruise is still expecting the Anti-Cruise to shit out that jackal-who-shall-be-known-as-Katie Holmes sooner or later, Red Sox traitor Johnny Damon cut his hair and beard off, and now looks like Jonathon Taylor Thomas on steroids, and Johnny Depp is the most searched actor in the Internet Movie Database. I'm not the least bit astounded by this info. The girl whose place I stayed at this weekend has her bathroom set up to where she can lay in the tub and stare at pictures of Depp while she Farrah Faucet's herself stupid. And let me tell you, it was pretty nice. Wait, forget I wrote that...

On a side-note, the most searched words on the Internet that directs you to The Feeding Tube is Keira+Knightley+nipple, or Keeley+Hazell+nipple. And yes, just 'nipple' is in the top ten of the keyword searches. In fact, I bet since I used that word in this particular article, dissappointed people will soon be directed in droves to the piece, which will contain no visual nipples. Oh well. Nipple.

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Johnny Depp has become rather disconcerted with the ongoing rioting in France, and is considering moving out of the country. The funny thing is, he moved TO France because he was concerned about all the violence in Los Angeles. I understand his fears for his family's safety and whatnot, but moving away any time there's a hint of trouble is like trading in your car every times someone farts in it. Sure it'll stink for a while, but eventually it goes away.

To run away because you fear the country will "never recover" makes you sound petty. If I lived in France while this shit went on, there'd be a bunch of disenchanted French kids on the receiving end of a shotgun loaded with rock-salt should they get near MY car. The only reason these kids are continuing this is because people like Depp are too timid to get up and crack them across the grill with a baseball bat.

Tell you what, buddy. Move to Texas. There's not a chance in Hell that kids would get away with that shit around here.

Johnny Depp, in his infinite half-Cherokee wisdom, decided to send recovering coke-fiend Kate Moss a very unusual gift: a mirror. Now please refrain from your guffaws. Mirrors are generally considered ideal paraphernalia used to snort lines of cocaine (uhh, so I've heard,) but Depp insists it's an old Indian belief. Being part Cherokee myself, I can tell you I've heard of this type of therapy. This is why I left a six-pack in the bed of a guy's truck in front of the AA building, and why I send a box of Godiva Chocolates weekly to the nearby Curves for Women. It's totally for therapeutic purposes.


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